When someone says 'I Love You' you're meant to feel on top of the world, your nerves tingling, electricity flying through your body, filling every inch of you with happiness, joy, making you feel amazing and perfect with yourself.
Mix the two feelings together and you've got some hefty stuff there. When he whispers I Love You, amazement, joy, happiness, they flood through me. The sensation tingles and buzzes and sings through my pores, painting my face the happy couple picture. Then dread crashing down onto me, my face burns. My legs turn to jelly and I freeze, my mind scrambles and I feel like I should curl up and die because as soon as that metaphorical mirror shines, I'm theoretically screwed. Those words whirlwind every hateful thing I've said or felt against myself thundering back down inside me, rushing through my head, bursting my ears. I hate myself.
So what do you say? I say I Love You, not like in the movies, not like the average couple, the I-wish-I-had-that couple, not like the kissing in the rain scenes everybody seems to love, but the rushed, embaressing, gut-wrenchingly cringy way a child would admit to stealing a lolly.
It's 'ilayu' or 'mmhmm you too', or maybe even 'ditto' for us self-concious morons out there today.
So how do you overcome it? Lose weight? Wear more makeup? Truely, there is no way to make a girl feel amazing about herself, if there is nothing to work with. No, 'hey, I look better than that girl in her display picture' feeling, no looking in store changing rooms thinking 'I actually look okay in this.' No, it's holy mother, let me pay for this as fast as possible, hiding my face in case the till lady sees my godawful face and laughs, and just run home, shove it on, apply full amount of makeup and glance in the mirror before running out again, just in case someone laughs.
It's a matter of laughing. If I laugh, no one can laugh at me. If I mock myself, others mocking me will be a metaphorical fly on the windscreen. Nothing can hurt me if I've hurt myself enough already that other's comments are nothing. There's honestly nothing anyone can say to me that I haven't already told myself, and close friends will tell you that's true.
This is how I overcome my fear of 'I Love You.' I laugh it off. Pretend I misheard. Anything to avoid that soul-wrenching feeling. But what about when you can't escape? We've all experienced 'Pillow-Talk', but what when it comes down to those three words, laying in bed with your lover in your arms, eyes searching for emotions that exist, they're just far too pushed down to notice?
Does this make me a bad person, or do I just need to wake up to the fact that not everyone thinks I am the reflection in my mirror?
ciao
